I have an alarm on my phone labeled “think about what you want”. Like everything in my life, these words represent only a minuscule aspect of their actual meaning.
It isn’t simply about what I want, it’s about what is motivating me in each moment. Where are those motivations originating? With me or from external expectations.
Expectation is another way of expressing something that is wanted.
Asking myself to think about what I want means examining expectations as well.
Wanting some things might not measure up to judgements; both my own and those created from external sources. Is this thing I want reasonable, feasible, ethical? Is it a basic need I haven’t been able to fulfill that is driving me to believe this thing will fill that empty spot? Too many parameters to apply to the worthiness of pursuing such desires. Do I even deserve to get what I want?
If you don’t know what you want you will get it.
This statement appears nonsensical on the surface. I will get something. That something could even turn out to be what I wanted, but if I don’t know it, it hardly matters.
I could write on trying to prove a point but I now understand it isn’t necessary for me to do so. I understand what I mean and I can’t really control much of how others perceive it though I try.
Wanting something and knowing what that is lies at the very heart of a self defined and self directed life of fulfillment, meaning and purpose.
This website is meant to be the place that holds all my many parts of a well-lived life together as well as the sanctuary to live that life out loud. From the ideas to the ideals. From the desires to the fulfillment. From the dreams to the reality. From the thoughts to the means.
I was reminded of that today.
This website is for me first and foremost and for what I want to make it. I don’t have to do anything at all with it but what I want. Subsequently I can’t make it get me more than what it will.
In making this sanctuary for and about me, I give myself the freedom to release any other expectations. In making my garden for me, I decide what I want to get out of having it.
If everything I do here and there is for me and about me, when I chose to share it and open it up to others, that doesn’t mean it suddenly needs to meet others needs. If I set myself up to be guided and even censor myself based on anything other than what I want it is doomed to failure.
A lifetime of trying to straddle that place where I get to be me and I get to be what others want me to be has amassed enough trauma from failing at both that I know the futility.
So what is it I truly want?
I want to live my best life as my best self as often as life allows. I want to allow myself pleasure and joy while also being fulfilled in serving a purpose in the larger scheme of things. I want the beauty of life to capture my mind and give me joy enough to carry me through the tough stuff.
I want to leave the world a better place because I lived in it.
Today, December 28, 2020, I watched 2 bright yellow green sulphur butterflies frolic in my front garden. They were there because of my actions to provide sanctuary.