A few months ago, in a different shift of consciousness, I changed my 9:15 “it’s getting late” daily alarm from the label “What do you Want?” to “What you Want Matters.”
Playing mental games with myself has been an integral part of my resilience through navigating a confusing world.
Ever ironic, it has been my state of health that has held me back over the past several days. Ironic, because having an auto-immune disease means it is rare that I am not some degree of un-well. At some point things shift from managing despite the challenges to very disruptive of basic functioning. As much as I fight fatalism, it has never been an If I am too unwell to manage so much as a when and to what degree.
Two months into my new outlook that all my health limitations might not be the life sentence I believed them to be, it has been too heavy of a weight on my heart to face such a reality check of my current limitations. Having to revert to resigning myself to be at the mercy of various ailments, especially when life circumstances themselves demand I not respect my limitations, has been a hard pill to swallow.
Traveling to New Hampshire from Louisiana is always a long trip. I used to love traveling so much that the actual getting there seemed worth the cost. Now the cost has surpassed my ability to pay it. Unpredictability and unavailability of suitable foods at reasonable intervals is just one small aspect that wreaks havoc on my system. Long periods of being unable to either fully relax or move freely, freezes my musculoskeletal system into stiffness and inflamation, followed by demands on physical abilities far surpassing my usual limits.
Seeing my son graduate was more important than I could have understood until I was there in the midst of it. Actually capturing photographs of many of the pivotal points in the ceremony allowed my slow to process mind more time to savor the experience. Despite the cost to my physical being, there is no question it was well worth any price.
Just as I chose to set aside the uphill work of repairing my spinal damage, I had only just found out about in late April, because I was unwilling to lose vast amounts of time with my graduate who is visiting home, 2 other seriously limiting ailments have side tracked me. One a result of the travelling the other a result of the weather and time of year.
This blog is about the point where goals and dreams meet obstacles and challenges. I am meant to be the inspiration porn for following my passion for gardening without the means, the help, or the physical or mental resources.
So here I am Being that Inconstant Gardener, wishing that I could document my triumphs better than my tribulations. The triumphs are many, even if they might be blasé to those who don’t think twice about the accomplishment.
Where my body fails me, my mind seeks balance, if a few cogs slip ,perhaps that is the checks and balances that prevent me from over shooting that which I can reasonably accomplish.
Forever, the challenge is the choice between the vast array of exciting pursuits my mind can conjure and the available resources. Just as applying too much force can strip mechanisms, demanding I fill my day with accomplishments sets back my ability to heal from the last big push.
Perhaps my intervals of time spent being curious and dreaming that keep me from doing “all the things” is a built in respite gap. Perhaps unfinished tasks and projects have already fulfilled their purpose, if not forever, at least for now.
If flowers still blossom amid what cognition calls chaos, perhaps the fault is not with the lack of weeding but in the seeing.